We had a graveside service for my angel on Saturday.

It was so beautiful.

I was really nervous.

As the days continued on and I knew we were getting closer to Saturday, I got more and more worried.

What if I leave feeling devastated?

What if that hole in my chest that I felt the night I let him go, what if that comes back, and is even worse?

I had no idea what to expect.

One thing I was comforted by was the fact that my son was going to be buried on top of my great grandpa Mill's grave.

My great grandma Margaret Mills (who I look up to so much, and my middle name is after) brought up the idea, and I'll be forever grateful she allowed us to bury him there.

My great grandpa, Gayland Mike Mills, is my hero in every since of the word.

During the most difficult times of my son's passing, I sometimes felt like my great grandpa was there in a sense.

I knew he could see us, and he could see how painful yet beautiful the experience was.

Mostly, I felt like he was proud of me..

I needed that.

A little bit about him!

My great grandpa Mills played on BYU's football team where he played both offense and defense, and was nicknamed "Iron Mike".

In 1942 he helped his team beat the University of Utah for the first time in BYU history!

He was drafted by the Packers, 49ers, and Giants, which he ended up turning down because he wanted to focus on his family.

In 2005 he was inducted into the BYU hall of fame.

Here he is with my beautiful great grandma Margaret Mills, and his baby girl, my grandma Sherry Phair :)

He was a soldier in WWII, where he was part of the second wave that landed on Omaha Beach on D-Day, June 6, 1944.

As communication lines were disrupted, he served as a "runner" (where his athletic skills came in handy), carrying messages and laying wire along the beach zig-zag style, dodging enemy fire, until they were able to break through Hitler's "Atlantic Wall".

Whenever I'd hear his stories I always admired how brave he was.

During the years he was serving his country, he would play the piano (he taught himself how) whenever they found one in an old church building etc.

He would often play hymns, the cougar fight song, and other songs that helped lift the spirits of the other soldiers.

He couldn't read a single note of music, but could play anything you asked him to.

He always lifted our spirits too. One of my favorite songs to hear him play was "You are my Sunshine".

That's one of the reasons why I picked that song to sing at the service.

It makes me happy, and I know Jon Gabriel wanted us to be happy.

I know my great grandpa Mills is taking good care of my son for me.

We love you great grandpa ♥

The service was so beautiful, and I'll be forever grateful to all those that came and helped make it that way.

Jon and great grandma Mills

3 generations of Jon's

While there was a lot of peace felt, it was also a difficult day.

We played this song at the end

And we let off lots of pearl white and light blue balloons

Jon Gabriel was dressed in a beautiful outfit his grandma Cheri made, and we wrapped him in a blue and white blanket before we put him in his casket.

We gave him one last kiss on his little cheek.

Toward the end when we were getting ready to leave, I suddenly wished that I had placed something from me inside his casket.

"How could I forget that?" I said to Jon.

"Doesn't the blanket count?" he replied.

"Well, I want it to be something meaningful.."

Jon just nodded, meaning he has no idea what I mean but he'll agree anyway.

I checked my purse.

There were a few starbursts that had spilled in there the week before.

Starburts are what I occasionally got really strong cravings for while I was pregnant with Jon Gabriel.

So I put one on top.

I felt a little better after that:)

We went to a beautiful luncheon, put on by the wonderful relief society at my home ward.

Special thanks to all the wonderful women that helped make the luncheon so perfect!

Also special thanks to my Aunt, Mandy Frazier, for designing the programs and taking pictures. We love them!

Thanks to my parents and Jon's parents who put in a lot of effort toward planning out the details of the service so that it went so smoothly.

Thanks to all the family and friends that came and supported us on that day, each one of you have made it such a beautiful memory.

And also another thanks to all of you who have supported us by sending gifts, leaving uplifting messages and comments, calling or texting us, providing dinners etc.

I get teary eyed just thinking about all the kindness that people have shown to us through this whole experience.

Truly the Lord strengthens us through other people, and my heart is full of sincere gratitude for all those who helped us through this difficult time, and are continuing to do so.

Instead of leaving the funeral feeling overwhelming sadness, I left with peace and comfort.

I also left feeling so proud of my son.

He has touched the lives of so many people, most of which never even got to meet him and feel of his incredible spirit.

I shared this story at the funeral:

The night we were gonna let him go, he had started to get weaker and weaker, and because of that he stopped opening his eyes.

It had been 3 hours since he last opened them.

As the time to let him go drew closer and closer, I prayed and asked if He could please help my son open his eyes and take one last look at his mama.

I knew deep down it was a crazy thing to hope for.

He was fighting just to be able to keep breathing and his heart rate was starting to drop. They had him on pain meds and sedatives so he wouldn't feel pain, but it also made him just sleep.

The chances of him opening his eyes at that point was close to none.

And that's when he did it.