Under Construction

I got in one of those moods where I just wanted to redesign everything on here.. 

Unfortunately  I have other priorities also... so it's gonna be a work in progress. 

Bear with me:) 

Love you all xoxo 

This post has no title.

Warning: This probably isn't that uplifting. Well the amazing music video at the end is! But this is my place to talk about my heart, which includes both the good feelings and bad, and if you relate, that's amazing. If you want to comment about how much you relate, I probably will want to be best friends. I am not complaining, I'm really just... expressing. 

Lastly, if you are sick of hearing about this, I totally understand. I honestly don't blame you in the slightest. I sure wish I was over it too. 

What does depression feel like? 

I'm legitematly wondering. 

I googled it, to see if that's what I was feeling, and it wasn't quite it.. 

What I found on google was most depressed people feel as if they wish they never existed in the first place. 

That would be so difficult to deal with. 

I haven't reached that point yet, thank heavens. 

If I never existed, I would have never got to meet my son, or laugh with my husband, or know what it's like to run into an old friend. 

I'm glad I get to experience these things. 

But I have had the toughest time lately. 

Why now?

During those couple weeks of constant ultrasounds and praying and hoping, one of the messages I received was from someone who had twins and lost her baby girl to HLHS. 

I can't even express how much it helped me to have her reach out to me. 

We have exchanged lots of messages since, but something from that first message still stuck out to me: 

"After a year, I finally went to therapy." 

I remember thinking, a year? 

 There is no way I will have to do that. 

Her situation was different from mine (for certain reasons) so I was sure I wouldn't need that.  

Now I totally get what she was saying.

They say time heals all wounds.. 

I'd say time is a living hell. 

But I guess it's all part of the deal. 

The 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance. 

I don't even know which one I'm at anymore.

I feel angry/lonely/scared a lot. 

I'm not angry with God. 

He's only given me an opportunity to prove myself, and to be 100% honest, I'm grateful that he trusts me. 

Mostly I just feel anger at myself. 

Why? I honestly can't even tell you. 

Most times I just regret not appreciating certain moments with him more. 

Or because I don't think I'm being strong enough. 


 I still wish things could have turned out differently. I still wish my son didn't have to feel so much pain. I still wish he was here, and I could hold and kiss him whenever I wanted. 

I still cry. I still hurt.

More than I think I should.   

People tell me how strong I am. 

But I'm feeling less and less strong as the days go by. 

So I did this really dumb thing, that I'm now regretting. 

I thought, "This fall Jon's gonna be busy (he's always gone.. poor guy) , so I'm gonna make myself so busy that I won't have time to be sad or lonely." 

17 credits, 7 hours of internship, and 20 hours of work later, and I'm dying. 

I've learned, nothing can keep me from feeling things. 

If I feel sad, I have to allow myself to feel sad, and not just go about my daily routine just pretending it's not there. 

Luckily I'm getting by. 

Getting somewhat close to A's.  

Jon submitted a story I wrote about our son, and just a few weeks ago I found out I won a scholarship from some pretty amazing people.

That was a really big blessing. 
I got to go to a luncheon and meet the couple who gave it to me. 

It was a really cool experience. 

It makes me want to be more giving of myself. 

After all, everyone has their own story. 

And if this music video doesn't make your whole day, then I just don't even know..:)
Also, do you see why this post doesn't have a title? 

Because I don't even know the point i'm trying to make right now. 

I guess sometimes, it's ok to be sad. 

You don't always need a point. 

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Weekend


Happy 18th George Russell  

Cute
"Record us playing a show" 


Can't believe my baby brothers an adult 
 He wasn't sure if he could trust me 
He changed his mind..



Despite the hours of homework and projects.. 

It was a good weekend:) 

My bad..

For the past few months, I've been slowly making changes to our apartment. 

Good deal here, good deal there.. 

It's been a work in progress:) 

Sometimes I just have to force myself to be content with how it looks and stop brainstorming ideas.. 

However. 

Recently, we've been looking for a new tv stand. 

This little guy just wasn't cutting it!


That champ was the first piece of furniture we bought as a married couple. 

And it fulfilled its purpose.. 

Which was to hold our tv and dvd's for only 10 bucks. 

Thank you DI:) 

 Recently however, I've decided it had to go!

Since KSL has always been my go to, I started searching frequently. 

I've learned that being patient, and checking everyday for at least a month, 

you are sure to find something amazing for cheap. 

That white couch? 

15 bucks off ksl. 

A college student from Washington sold it to me because she was moving back home.. 

I don't think she knew what a gem it was.. 

It's amazing how you can love something, but the fact that it's a great deal just makes you love it so much more. 

That's what happened with the tv stand hunt.. 

I searched and searched for over a month!

One night, Jon was in the library and I was at home. (I probably should have been at the library..) 

And I casually checked ksl once again.. 

That's when, I found it.

The perfect tv stand for our apt! 

The owners even offered to drive it here and bring it in for me, free of charge. 

How could you even say no to that? 


So I got it.

I measured the tv before hand and everything.. 

However, I failed to notice that some little tiny (annonying) plastic things that stick out half a centimeter to help support the tv, caused the tv NOT TO FIT!

Our friends came (love our Polynesian neighbors) and helped me try to fit it in, and it literally didn't fit by a hair. 

We tried three different times, nothin. 

The good new is: The tv was free from an old friend. And the volume down button only works half the time. 

The bad new is: I forgot to ask Jon before I bought the tv stand. 

Ok, forgot, is an exaggeration. 

To be fair though, he wouldn't answer his phone. 

I called two whole times. 

So I thought "I'll surprise him. He'll love it." 

There are two things wrong with this statement: 

Jon hates surprises. 

And he prefers to buy things new if we buy them at all. 

And I could probably count on one hand the amount of things on this earth that Jon actually loves..

Hopefully, one of them is still me:) 

Anyway, so I knew he wouldn't get home until after midnight. 

Around 10:00 I posted the picture you see above, on facebook. 

I admitted my mistake: that I bought a tv stand that doesn't actually fit our tv, and that Jon doesn't know.  

I guess I was just hoping someone could make it all better.. 

Like maybe they'd say: 

"Oh you can easily just saw the plastic things off the bottom and you'll be fine." 

Or, 

"Here, have my tv, it will fit perfectly." 

Something like that. 

You guys, Jon rarely gets on facebook. 

And that's not an exaggeration. 

So this should have been fine! 

But whether it was karma, or the heavens, whatever it was..

(I found out later it was for a class) 

He checked facebook that night. 

You can imagine the horror when I saw "Jon Bowen commented on your photo"..

He posted this meme: 


I laughed so hard. 

Well, nervously laughed.. 

I wanted him to love it as much as I did. 

Long story short.

He was fine. 

He did mention the tv looked really bad where it was. 

And then I said that's why it's good Christmas is coming up. 

And he agreed. 

And now we love it. 

Well mostly I just love it..

But our little (very little) apartment is coming together quite nicely:)  

                                                                                                        




And that mint green cookie jar above? 

I guess some things you just have to buy new:) 

Good thing that didn't require any measuring before hand.. 

My bad. 

This is Halloween






















This Halloween was one of the best I can remember! 

To me, there's really nothing cuter then seeing little kiddies in their costumes carrying around a bucket of candy. 

I literally can't wait to take my kids trick or treating..

Yes I'm sure after 10 houses i'll wonder what I was ever excited about, but for now I'm looking forward to it!

This year, I dressed up at work (minus the bow and arrows of course), and a girl that was walking by the desk with her friend asked me: "Do you love the Hunger Games?" 

"Umm.. I like it. I dunno if I love it." 

"So did you just dress up for fun?"

Before I could respond her friend beat me to it, "It's HALLOWEEN, Kea!!" 

Haha. 

I guess it would be cooler if I just randomly showed up to work dressed as Katniss!

This year, I made sure to plan ahead by telling Jon in September some costume ideas. 

When I brought up the Hunger Games idea his response was: 

"But I'll look like a Peeta that ate too much of his bread.." 

I laughed so hard. Also, since that wasn't a blatant "No way" like all the other ideas, I took it as a yes! 

The whole month of October I randomly called him Peeta so he'd warm up to the idea. 

He secretly loved it I'm sure:) 

Also, that bow and arrow I'm holding was one Jon's dad made when he was in high school!

Does it look like I know how to use it? 

Because I definitely don't!

I hope the odds were in your favor, and you had a Happy Halloween! 

And whose going to see the new movie on November 22nd?:)


I'll see you there! 

Feel good smoothies

I've stressed myself out to the point of feeling completely sick these past couple of days. 

I finally decided I had to change something up, because what I'm doing obviously isn't working.. 

I think with school, work, and an internship, my body is absolutely drained by the end of the day. 

Put lack of time preparing healthy food on top of that, and it's no wonder I feel like my head is going to explode. 

For my Obesity and Weight management class, we are required to eat 5-7 fruits and veggies a day. 

I find myself eating the same fruits and veggies every day, because it's fastest and easiest.. 

Yet I know how beneficial it can be to get a variety of nutrients. 

I found this board on pinterest that is absolutely amazing!

So I had to share: 



It gives tons of different healthy smoothie recipes.

 (Those aren't even all of them!) 

My biggest pet peeve is when I click on a picture on pinterest to get the recipe, and I can't find it. 

Also, when I have to go open up a bunch of different pages to find the recipe I want to make.. 

I just end up not making it. 

With this, all the smoothies are on one page, and it gives pictures so you can estimate on your own how much to put in. 

I just love it. 

But lets be real, I'd bet most of our cupboards/fridges don't have every one of those ingredients. 

(What do you mean you don't eat hemp seeds and collards everyday????)

Some of the ingredients are a little complex. 

But I found at least seven different smoothies, where I only had to buy a couple of new ingredients and I could easily start making these.. 

Just looking at them makes me feel better!

Most of the ingredients are some of the most beneficial foods you can give your body. 

Even if it is a few extra dollars a month. 

Feeling great everyday is worth it:)

A post about "doubts"



 I read an article the other day, by someone who had left the mormon church, and he wrote on the controversy behind the statement President Uchtodrf made at conference: "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith."

Up until that point, I had only heard positive things about President Uchtdorfs talk, and I was interested to see what the disagreement was. 

I also found that this wasn't the only article written by ex mormons on the exact same topic.

Basically, the point of their argument is that President Uchtdorf is saying people should not doubt anything about the church, and should blindly follow the prophet without ever questioning what they say. 

The article stated: 

"Had President Joseph Smith doubted his doubts, the church would not exist." 

First off, from their perspective, I do see where they are coming from. 

Maybe some of them went to their leaders with honest questions, and were told it was wrong to question and that they needed to repent. 

Sometimes leaders make major mistakes like that, and for someone who didn't have a hard ground to stand on to begin with, I can see why the next step in their eyes was to leave the church. 

If I had honest doubts about something, and hadn't had given a spiritual witness,  while only feeling pressure to believe "blindly" I would probably leave too.

Now that I've clarified that I can understand where they are coming from, I would like to point out a few things they are missing.

First off, they are missing the rest of the talk President Uchtodorf gave. 

I always believe criticizing only a part of what someone said without considering the context (often seen in politics, on both sides) is unfair.

So here is the rest of what he actually said..

First he clarifies that not everyone who leaves the church is "sinful or lazy"..

"One might ask, “If the gospel is so wonderful, why would anyone leave?”
Sometimes we assume it is because they have been offended or lazy or sinful. Actually, it is not that simple. In fact, there is not just one reason that applies to the variety of situations..
In this Church that honors personal agency so strongly, that was restored by a young man who asked questions and sought answers, we respect those who honestly search for truth. It may break our hearts when their journey takes them away from the Church we love and the truth we have found, but we honor their right to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their own conscience, just as we claim that privilege for ourselves." 
So you might ask, "if you respect those who honestly search for truth, why are you telling people to doubt their doubts before they doubt their faith?"
That's a valid question.. read a little further. 
"Some struggle with unanswered questions about things that have been done or said in the past. We openly acknowledge that in nearly 200 years of Church history—along with an uninterrupted line of inspired, honorable, and divine events—there have been some things said and done that could cause people to question.
Sometimes questions arise because we simply don’t have all the information and we just need a bit more patience. When the entire truth is eventually known, things that didn’t make sense to us before will be resolved to our satisfaction.."
(paraphrasing as best as I can) 

"And, to be perfectly frank, there have been times when members or leaders in the Church have simply made mistakes. There may have been things said or done that were not in harmony with our values, principles, or doctrine.
I suppose the Church would be perfect only if it were run by perfect beings. God is perfect, and His doctrine is pure. But He works through us—His imperfect children—and imperfect people make mistakes."
"Some might ask, “But what about my doubts?”
It’s natural to have questions—the acorn of honest inquiry has often sprouted and matured into a great oak of understanding. There are few members of the Church who, at one time or another, have not wrestled with serious or sensitive questions. One of the purposes of the Church is to nurture and cultivate the seed of faith—even in the sometimes sandy soil of doubt and uncertainty. Faith is to hope for things which are not seen but which are true.7
Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters—my dear friends—please, first doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.8 We must never allow doubt to hold us prisoner and keep us from the divine love, peace, and gifts that come through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ."

Must not allow doubt to hold us prisoner?

Did Joseph Smith's 'doubts' hold him prisoner? 

No. 

It in fact led him to more enlightment and truth than this earth has ever had.

So is there a chance he's talking about two different kinds of doubts?

Consider this observation. 

When Joseph Smith prayed earnestly for answers, 

How much truth did he have at that point? 

This article gives a great answer to that question. The author first acknowledges that because Joseph Smith doubted, it led him to searching, then to scriptures, then to prayer, then to revelation.. 

Then the author states,  

"But that was almost 200 years ago, when the light of the fullness of the gospel was just coming over the east mountains, so to speak. The earth had suffered nearly 1800 years of religious confusion. That was Joseph’s situation and starting point. Joseph hadn’t spent his life studying and receiving answers “line upon line”. He wasn’t studying out his doubts surrounded by decades of truths. In a way, he was sitting at 5% truth and 95% doubt. In that situation, it would seem that the best thing to do is to give those doubt a lot of attention because all you can do is gain more truth…"

The church has always taught that truth is gained "line upon line, precept upon precept." 

It isn't gained all at once.

President Uchtdorf isn't talking to a group of people who only have '5% truth'. 

He is speaking in a day in age, when a great amount of truth has been given "line upon line". 

But we know from 1 Nephi 2: 11, there  must be "opposition in all things." Otherwise, "righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad."

So that means, we will still have doubts, or 'questions' that aren't answered, despite the truth we've been given. 

It is this kind of doubt he is telling us to doubt before we doubt our faith.

In his talk Lord I believe Elder Holland said, 

"Let me be clear on this point: I am not asking you to pretend to have faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have. Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not! So let us all remember the clear message of this scriptural account: Be as candid about your questions as you need to be; life is full of them on one subject or another. But if you and your family want to be healed, don’t let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle."

What does he mean, "don't let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle", when in the statement before he says "be as candid about your questions as need be"?

Well he goes onto say: 

"This is a divine work in process, with the manifestations and blessings of it abounding in every direction, so please don’t hyperventilate if from time to time issues arise that need to be examined, understood, and resolved. They do and they will. In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is to walk by faith."

He means that when questions arise, don't forgo the truth you do know.  

We must remember the miracles we've seen, and the spiritual witness we've been given. 

Then, when questions arise (like he said, they will) we acknowledge them by taking them to the Lord and allowing Him to answer them in His own time. 

As we know, this life is a test. 

If your teacher gave you every answer to your test, how much would you actually learn? 

And how would you be able to prove what you know? 

Wouldn't you say you learn the most from studying? 

From making mistakes, and learning from them? 

And wouldn't you say the only way to test what you know is to not give you all of the answers? 

But instead, let you prove it on your own? 

Why should this test be any different?

It's ironic that we get upset with not getting our way, when we knew from the beginning, that not getting our way and enduring hard things would be a part of the plan. 

If you are willing to accuse mormons of believing that not all answers are given immediately and sometimes take patience, you have to acknowledge why that is. 

To exercise faith. 

To prove that we will remember the truth God has revealed, and not let what we don't know overcome what we do. 

Those are my thoughts. 

I will end by saying this.. 

After my son died, 

I remember the day I was given answers. 

I had a very spiritual experience, part of which was another witness to me that I will see my son again, and that his spirit is still alive even though I can't see him. 

However, the overwhelming power of the spirit can't be felt at all times.  

 God doesn't always allow us to feel like that because otherwise, there would be no test. 

So knowing that witness and feeling would soon leave, I typed this simple statement into my phone: 

"There is no doubt that what I've felt tonight is very real. I know that God lives, Christ's atonement is real, and this gospel is true." 

In the days following, many doubts came into my mind. 

"What if I don't get to see him again, what if this life is all there is, what if I don't get to raise him.." 

All sorts of doubts. 

But I knew the source.

And I knew what I had felt and the understanding I gained. 

And no matter, what I couldn't deny the feeling I'd had. 

Every time one of those doubts comes into my mind, 

I pull out my phone, and read that short testimony I wrote that night. 

"God is real, Christ atoned for our sins, and this gospel is true." 

This brings back the memories of the spirit I felt, 

and I feel at peace again. 

The fear and the doubt leave, and i'm able to remember what I felt before.  

I know that our purpose on this earth is to exercise faith. 

And in order to do that, we need to be given chances to do so. 

And if we do take advantage of those chances, and continue forward "remembering what we already know" 

We will be blessed beyond measure. 

Because like Elder Holland quotes, 

"All things are possible to them that believe." 

Fall break wannabes

 
 

My family and some good friends of ours were in Park City a couple of weeks ago for fall break. 

We went up for the weekend and hung out with them. 

 It was a lot of fun pretending we had fall break too!

That also meant we did zero homework.  

Which meant a couple more late nights making things up later on.. 

Well actually Jon is good at not putting things off and getting them done quick. 

So it was mostly just me making up the lost time..

But the fall colors, zip line, shopping, treats, and hot tubbing made it all worth it:)

 I love Octobers.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day






My emotions have been all over the place lately. 

(If you are new to this page, and have not read my sons story, you can read about it here, and here) 

Sometimes I'm happy with my life and grateful for everything, including the good and the bad. 

Other times I feel emotionally .. heavy. 

Like I'm carrying around an emptiness that actually weighs tons. 

And I think, "What's the point?" 

I now know what people meant when they told me the pain would never go away completely. 

But I never knew that even 6 months later, I'd still feel a stab in the chest when I see his picture. 
That I'd still get tears watching video footage of him.  

 That I'd randomly be walking to class, and just wish someone on the way knew him like I did. 

 Or just had been through the same thing, so we could talk about it. 

These feelings are not always there. 

And that's what makes it hard. 

Why all of a sudden? I often wonder. 

However, I do know what caused the emotion the past few days.

For over a week I have felt major pregnancy symptoms. 
I brushed it off.. I knew it was probably just hormones.

Still, I secretly enjoyed the symptoms. 

It brought back a reminder of being pregnant with him, and with it the comfort of experiencing a little piece of the past. 

I was too terrified to take a pregnancy test. 

I knew my heart couldn't handle having another baby right now, 

yet I knew I'd be disappointed if the test was negative. 

I know it sounds complicated. 

I guess dealing with the loss of your baby is a complicated recovery process.

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. 
In fact, Ronald Reagan proclaimed the whole month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month.

This day was dedicated by Robyn Bear, who had 5 miscarriages and had little to no support, because it wasn't something people acknowledged..

Read more about it in the NY times here

 Luckily, this is no longer the case. There are great support systems for women have lost children, and some of the best support comes from family, friends, and neighbors.

In honor of that day, I'm working on a post: 

"What to say to a woman who has lost a baby"

Not because I'm an expert, but because I would want to know what to say if someone I knew had lost a baby. 

And I know what helped me specifically.

A few weeks ago I had emailed one of my prior neighbors, whom I have always admired, and in her reply she mentioned how she had suffered multiple miscarriages. She said something I will never forget: 

 "You have a good sense of the pain a mother feels at the loss of a child. I've often thought that in the next life, I want to stand with all the mothers who have felt this pain. I would proudly stand next to you there." 

To all the mothers out there who have had to say goodbye to their son or daughter in this life, I echo my friends statement: 

In the next life, I would proudly stand by you. 

Knowing that despite the tremendous heartache, we overcame.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Weekend goods




















This weekend we crammed so many fun things into just a few short days!

We started off by going to my brother George's, football game.

It brought back a lot of memories from high school, and it was fun to see some long lost friends! 

And Mountain View won! Go Bruins!

I was too freezing to even attempt to get a decent picture. 

 The picture at the top is of G at his football practice.

When did my baby brother grow up and become a great big senior?? 

21 has never felt so old!

The rest of the weekend we shopped (I found the greatest deal on that sweatshirt above!!) hung out with family (my cousins were in town from Arizona), ate birthday cake, (Thomas, Emma, and Lucy were more than happy to lick the frosting off the candles) 

and watched General Conference:) 

On Sunday I was able to go hang out with my great grandma Mills in between sessions. 

I chatted with her and her friends while they ate lunch and then she and I watched the afternoon session of Conference together.

It was a great weekend! 

Jon and I were definitely dreading waking up on Monday morning:)

♥♥♥♥♥♥

September via Google Search




Are you getting sick of these monthly posts yet?

It's just fun to look back and remember everything that went on each month..

You should try it! 

You can use the image I made, or make your own:) 

This month, I discovered the MOST delicious peanut butter and white chocolate chip cookie recipe!!

I will post the recipe soon:) 


Just make sure you have shortening in your cupboard before you start:) 

Also, last weekend I got crafty and decided I wanted to try to make some curtains for our living room.. 

After realizing how long it would take I changed my mind.

Maybe some day:) 

Almost every day this month I've overheard Jon listening to different ESPN videos while he's studying, 

I think he's excited for the season to start.. 

If you ever want to get him going, tell him someone other then Lebron James is the best in the NBA.. 

That should do the trick:) 

Hence the Stephan A. videos.. 

I think I know more about the Miami Heat then I ever wanted to know:)

Also ever since I've started my internship at Curves (where we are required to so a strength training workout every shift) Jon asks me every night at dinner if I've eaten enough protein through out the day. 

We made a deal that if he eats 5 fruits and veggies a day, I would eat 45 grams of protein a day (apparently that's the requirement.. thanks google!) 

I asked him how I would know if he was really eating enough fruits/veggies.

The next day during class I got this picture..


haha

Good times:) 

Also, good news!

I know what we are going to be for halloween!

The hardest part definetly was NOT deciding what to be.. 

The hardest part by FAR was convincing Jon to dress up with me.

I finally convinced him!

Now it's all downhill from there:)

Can't wait!

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Dear Jon

Since we recently celebrated our first year together, and because it was a year full of surprises, both good and bad, I wanted to share this. 

 Mostly because, when I wrote this note, I had no idea what the future held. 

The other night I was going through our study getting things organized, and I found a box of Jon's things. 

At the bottom of the box, I found the note. 


I gave it to Jon for his birthday almost 2 years ago. 

Seeing it brought back a flood of memories. 

We were friends at the time. 

We'd drive home from work together, I would go study at his lab with him, sometimes we'd walk to school together, we'd play sports and spend a lot of time talking after work. 

Good friends. 

I knew he didn't consider it any more than that, and neither did I, but I did love being around him. 

He was a breath of fresh air. 

And no one could make me laugh like he could.  

I overheard him talking about his future wife once to someone else..

She'd be pretty lucky.. I remember thinking. 

I wouldn't have thought in a million years it would be me. 

Life went on. 

I dated. 

He dated. 

Even though we were dating other people, I still tried to hang out and talk to him any chance I got.
One day we were sitting in my car after work and I was telling him about a relationship I was in and somehow found myself telling him what I was worried about.. 

"Stop." He said. 

"What?" 

"That isn't what you really mean at all.." 

"Yeah it is.." I was confused. 

"No it's not. You don't have to act like it's ok. I know what you are thinking.." He proceeded to say everything I was thinking. 

"You don't have to sugar coat things with me. It's ok to feel that way." 

I stared straight ahead. 

No one had ever told me that before. 

I was used to constantly making things sound like they were OK,  even if I didn't feel that way. 

That was the point I realized he was different then any other guy I had met. 
 
After I moved back to my house for the semester, I noticed he was on my mind a lot. 

I remember being so confused..

Why was I thinking about him so much? 

After all, there was no way it would work out.

Not after we'd been friends this long.

I wasn't used to liking a guy this much before he liked me first, and I didn't like that it was happening. 

I remember sitting in the kitchen telling my mom my plans for the night. 

I mentioned I was gonna go to a party for a friends birthday. 

It was Jons. 

"Isn't that the boy you always talk about?" 

"Yes." 

"I've never heard you talk about any boy like you've talked about him." 

"Well.." 

"When are you gonna date him?" 

"Probably never." 

"Why is that?" 

"It's complicated." 

Then she said something that changed everything. 

"You'll never know what could've been.." 

Mom's. 

They always seem to know what you need to hear, even if you don't want to hear it.

I knew she was right. 

But that didn't make it any less complicated. 

Before I left, I decided to write him a birthday letter. 

I thought it was the perfect mystery letter. 

I was an expert at giving mixed signals.. 

Am I right??

I just threw in a little, glad you'll have more free time this summer, without actually saying lets hang out everyday because I would love that.. 

You know? 

Well it worked. 

The next week, when I saw him at work I said, 

"So did you like my letter?" :) 

"I loved it. But it bugged me." (He's always really honest.) 

"What do you mean??"

"Why can't you come to my lab anymore?" 

"Well.. I dunno I guess since we both aren't really in classes.." 

I didn't really have an excuse, I wasn't really sure why I put that part in. 

 Life went on.

He invited me places with his friends. 

He continued to wait for me after work so that we could chat about life. 

The conversations covered deeper topics. 

 His testimony, his mission, his dreams.. 

 It all felt familiar. 

I felt like I was home.  

 You know that feeling when you are apart from one of your best friends for years, and when you meet up it's as if nothing had changed? 

 That's what it felt like. 

 I knew he was in my life for a reason. 

I didn't know what that reason was yet.   

That weekend we saw a movie with lots of friends. 

Nothing changed. 

Except I noticed he was a little more quiet around me.

One thing about Jon, he's never awkward. 

Like ever. 

 And he's  not a shy person at all.

So when he wasn't saying very much to me, I knew something was up.  

But for some reason, something in me told me it wasn't over.

Saturday morning I woke up and felt a lot better. 

I just felt grateful that I was able to have him as a good friend and that I learned so much from him. 

I knew that even if we didn't stay friends, I'd always think highly of him and appreciate all that he taught me. 

 I was texting people throughout the day, and as I checked my phone, I started looking over texts with him. 

They made me laugh.

 I couldn't believe I had come to like someone that much without them showing any interest in me. 

 That was never how it worked before, and I hated not being in control. 

 I wondered if we'd ever text again..

That's when my phone rang. 

My heart skipped a beat when his named popped up on the screen, but deep down I was almost expecting it. 

"Hello?" I answered.

"Maddie."

"Hi Jon."

"Will you go out with me tonight?" 

I kept my cool. 

"Hm.. Yeah that will work." 

We talked a little longer. I could hear something in his voice I had never ever heard before. 

He was nervous. 

I knew at that moment, things were going somewhere. 

I tried to keep my mind occupied for the rest of the day until he got here. 

 The truth is, I was nervous too. 

 This wasn't like any date I had been on. 

 I was going with my best friend. 

 How would it end?

I felt butterflies when I heard him knock on the door. 

 When we got in his car, we were laughing about something.

 Then he asked, "What were you thinking when I called you?" 

 I didn't miss a beat. 

 "I was thinking, it's about time!"  

 We laughed. 

 I wondered what I was so worried about.



Shake it

This semester, I'm an intern at Curves (gym for women). 

Despite the early morning hours, it's a lot of fun! 

During my shift, they do a Zumba workout. 

I had only heard of Zumba up until that point..


  I love it!

It's SO much fun.

Later, I overheard some ladies talking about Zumba when I was on some errands. 

A young boy and his little sister (probably about 9 and 5) overheard their conversation. 

Boy to his sister: "Zumba is immodest." 

Girl: "Yeah, cuz you shake your booty." 

Boy: "Yeah." 

Smart kids. 

Haha I was laughing pretty hard. 

If only they knew how many calories you can burn shakin it!

Your beautiful life


I got on Pinterest today for the first time in forever. 

Every time I get on after being away from it for along time, I go crazy pinning things. 

Sorry friends. 

Also, I adore the picture above..

Maybe because it removes the standard we allow other people to set for us. 

For example.. 

If I had a penny for every picture I see on Pintrest that has a beautiful girl in a thrifted dress and vintage suitcase looking off into the horizon, with a caption that says something about how our young years should be spent "traveling the world" in order to "live life to the fullest" or "discover who we are". 

I'd be pretty rich. 

I see pictures and captions like this all the time. 

It's as if you haven't unless lived you've seen everything there is to see. 

I mean how many different places do you have to go in order for it to count as traveling "the world"?

Do I love to travel?  

Yes. 

Have I dreamed of going scuba diving in New Zealand, or enjoying the beauty of Ireland or  Scotland? 

Have I wondered what it would be like to explore the jungle in Africa and feel the excitement of learning from a culture so different from my own? 

You bet ya. 

But I'm not about to tell you that your life isn't complete until you've done this. 

I'm not going to tell you that you haven't lived until you've had a summer fling, learned 3 new languages, been to the top of the Eiffel tower, and gotten lost in the streets of Italy. 

I am not saying these things would not make someone extremely happy. 

I'm just saying it's not the only way to happiness.. 

It's not the only way to "live life to the fullest". 

If you get the opportunities to do these things, that is AWESOME!

I hope to be able to some day too (minus the summer fling haha).

But right now, I'm content with sitting in my apt under a cozy blanket, listening to the wind blow and seeing the leaves on the tree outside my window start to change color. 

I'm actually enjoying studying for my philosophy and exercise classes, feeling the excitement of knowing the weekend is only a day away. 

I love the smell of the chicken dinner I've got cooking in the crock pot, and being in the same room as Jon, even if he is entranced in his textbook. 

I smile when he randomly stops reading and asks things like, "Have you ever heard of the movie 'Cloudy with a chance of meatballs'? 

Leaving me to wonder how he even reached that point in his thought process while studying for genetics. 

I feel at home when I look around my apartment and see framed pictures of my son and my husband on the walls, reminding me what really matters. 

I love knowing that tomorrow is Friday, and I will be done with work, my internship, and classes all by 3:00. 

And then I get to spend the evening with my love. 

It makes me happy to know this will be another great weekend, filled with decorating for fall, seeing good friends, date night, making a new dessert, and sleeping in. 

I have goals I'm working towards. 

This is the busiest semester I've ever had.. 

Yet the thrill of knowing i'm excelling far out weighs the stress that comes along with it. 

And the best part? 

This is my unique way of feeling fulfilled. 

At this point in my life, I am content and I am happy. 

Another person may not feel fulfilled if they were in my shoes.. 

And I probably wouldn't in theres. 

But I guess that's the beauty of it all.


Weekend in Fall

 

 












I got little to no pics of this weekend. 

I guess I was having too much fun! 

(The last two pictures are actually from this morning.. I didn't actually study this weekend.. oops) 

This weekend consisted of 

-Flag football and basketball games 

- Date night at the Jordan temple

- Watching the BYU game with friends

-A new chocolate cake recipe

-Watching my Uncle Mike coach the Chicago Bears to victory

-Celebrating my cute little sisters birthday 

- And not wanting to wake up on Monday morning 

 Overall, it was a successful weekend:) 

Also, did you notice the one high quality picture among all the really bad quality pics?:) 

The picture of the chocolate cake is from Pinterest. 

I would do just about anything for a really good camera..

Maybe someday:) 

Let's hope this week goes by really fast!

That one time I won a photo shoot


































So you know how I never win blog giveaways? 

Like ever.

Well the curse is broken! 

I won a photoshoot with one of the BEST photographers. 


She is seriously the coolest!

If you are looking for someone to take your family pictures, call her up! 

She is SO talented!

And we got the pictures back super quick. 

Also, Jon actually enjoyed taking pictures (which is unheard of..) 

And I got to pretend like I was a fashion blogger or something.

It was fun while it lasted:)

I really do wish I had the desire to get dressed up super cute everyday. 

Until then, I'll just enjoy seeing everyone else's fashion posts..

Also, I'm glad I had Jon there to make me laugh through the whole thing.

He's good at that:)

 There's a few more that aren't on here that I'll put up soon. 

 So stay tuned:)

 Thanks again to Jessica Haderlie Photography!