Sometimes photo shoots in the rain = therapy

 

 Guys how cute is this wanna be fashion post? If you care, i'll tell you where I got everything! If you don't care (I don't blame you) keep scrolling:) 

Shirt: Clad and Cloth 

Jacket: H&M

Bottom Jacket: Old Navy

Pants: Gap 

Boots: Francesca's 

It seriously poured buckets the afternoon we shot this! Can you tell through all the pictures I got more and more soaked? haha it was freezing but so fun. 

Also my sister and her friend? Babes. 

As for an update, life has been somewhat bearable lately, thanks to some amazing people. Some days, it takes everything I have just to make it through the day. Who knew that the hardest part of a broken heart is getting out of bed in the morning? 

I mean, yes, I did bail on some friends that went to the Neon Trees concert friday. I had had a long day and felt too down to go out,  and then I kinda regretted it later. 

But for the most part I get everything done that I need to and I don't let myself get too down. Mostly I just don't allow my thoughts to wander very often, because that's where the darkness lies. The why's and the what if's will kill me if I let them, so I just try not to go there. 

Overall there are more and more good days, but for some reason the bad days are the worst they've been? 

I think part of that is because my divorce is final in less than 3 weeks. I was just telling my counselor yesterday everything I miss and everything I don't. And one thing that helped me to pinpoint was that I miss having that connection with someone who also lost my same baby. You know? He went through it too, and we will always share that part, no matter what. 

No matter how hard it gets, I know deep down that this is all part of my purpose here. Everyone asks me if I regret getting married, and my answer will always be not a single bit. 

No matter how hard it was, I learned so much about myself, love, and life that I wouldn't know any other way. I was able to develop in ways I didn't even know that I needed to prior to being married. Plus I wouldn't have a sweet little angel watching over me right now, so in no way do I regret it. 

Do I wish the outcome could have been different? 100%. I never saw this coming, and it's been so hard to adjust to a new life where suddenly I'm on my own. But one of the best parts about life is that we are free to make our own choices. And one of the most difficult is that we can't control the choices others make. 

Sometimes I do question my self worth. I wonder if I'll ever be worth the effort to anyone, and I wonder if I will one day get a chance to fulfill my calling as a wife and mother. 

Then other times I realize I'm a freaking champion. I know without a doubt I'll get where I need to be, I just need to keep doing what I know to be right and improving myself. 

And in the process, I'm trying to look outward. I think some things just can't be fixed no matter how much we look inside ourselves, and so we need to shift our focus on how we can help others, and in the process those things will fix themselves. 

One of my favorite quotes from the book "Self Esteem Issues and Answers": 

"I cannot live without others, but my life starts with me. I call it proper selfishness, the search for ourselves that, paradoxically, we often pursue best through our involvement with others. To be properly selfish is to accept a responsibility for making the most of one's self by, ultimately, finding a purpose beyond and bigger than one's self. It is the paradox of Epicureanism, that we best satisfy ourselves when we look beyond ourselves." 

What can you do today to look outside yourself? :) 

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Sorry not sorry

I've been thinking a lot about personal issues and how being open/not being open (whether it be on social media or just in conversation in general) gets a bad rap. 

Here's the deal, I have been an open book since as long as I can remember. Being so vulnerable isn't always kicks and giggles, and it certainly sets me up for all sorts of criticism. As I've opened up about this whole divorce and life change I'm going through, it has brought on a whole new meaning to feeling judged.. And it's been hard to feel like certain people (not all, thank goodness) that I thought genuinely cared about me, are now so quick to condemn. It's also hard to feel looked down on because I don't keep certain "issues", private. If that makes sense? 

I feel like ever since the beginning, we've been taught to be different and that true beauty comes from being ourselves. But then at the same time, we have a million different trends and lifestyles thrown in our face telling us how we should look, think, and act. 

It's confusing and discouraging. And so when it comes to being open vs. not, I feel like the world needs both. We need people, particularly bloggers and social media posts, that don't really open up about their issues. Sometimes, when our life sucks, it's nice to go read a blog that doesn't talk about anything deeper than recipes, daily events, and cute styles. It can be such a relief to forget about how hard life is for a minute and just read about a cute, perfect, family and their perfect vacation, or see pictures of their perfect house and the perfect crafts they make with their perfect, well behaved, children. 

It's enlightening to see and read about things that just skim the surface of life and events that take place, without ever really going any deeper. Sometimes we need that, we need an escape from our own reality and we need to read about things that are light and fluffy. 

And then sometimes, we don't. 

Sometimes we need someone to say, "screw this, is it just me, or is life a living hell sometimes?" 

We need to know that we aren't alone, that not everyone can get of bed, have time to look flawless, and then go about their day being sure to post pictures that only confirm how spectacular their life is, and how bad each of ours sucks compared to theirs.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the instagram pics where you actually had to take a million  before you captured the perfect pose, then edited it with 5 different apps, and then posted as if it didn't take an hour out of the day to look like the moment was captured "spontaneously."

Not only do I have no problem with that, I encourage that (to an extent). It incites creativity, and it's inspiring to see life through other peoples own viewpoints and ideas. 

But like anything, it can get out of hand if we don't remind ourselves every once in awhile that it's okay to not filter every aspect of our life. There's times when it's okay to be raw. In fact, it's healthy to be raw. 

There just needs to be a happy medium (when we are blogging, pinning, gramming, tweeting, etc.) between things we share and things we don't and how we portray our reality. And I don't think there is a right way to do it. I just don't think, to a certain extent, that there's a wrong way either:) 

So I guess that's my point. Yes, I'm an open book. Yes I naturally talk about my issues. Maybe because I love that moment when someone tells me they can totally relate and for a second the world doesn't feel so freaking lonely. Maybe it's liberating to feel strongly about something and be able to share it with the world. And maybe I miss my baby so much that I just need to vent about it sometimes. 

And maybe social media isn't always the platform to do that. But then again, just because it makes you uncomfortable, doesn't mean it's bad, right? 

Obviously there are lines that shouldn't be crossed. I think we all know what those are. But there's a grey area where you should be allowed to not share the things in your heart, but then you should be allowed to share them, too. 

So find it. What do you like to share? If  it's fulfilling to you to have your life 100% filtered and private, do it. If it feels liberating to open up about what normally would be considered "personal", do it. 

But whichever it is you choose, don't apologize for it.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Things I hate and things I don't and why it matters

I was originally only going to post about things I'm grateful for lately. But I had a crappy night last night, and I feel the need to be real for a minute. So first, here are some things I hate:  

-I hate that instead of being able to kiss my son goodnight, I have to kiss a picture of him through a glass frame that sits on my nightstand. 

- I hate that a few months ago I spent hours working on a video project of our son’s birth, a lot of which includes sound bits of Jon talking with the surgeons, and I spent last night watching it all alone and reliving some of those emotions all over again. 

- I hate that I’ve wronged someone I’ve never even met, and I don’t know how to fix it. 

-I hate that sometimes I can't cry. It's like I've lost touch of my emotions and my body won't let them come to the surface because it's trying to block the pain. Even though I feel like experiencing the pain is what will allow me to heal.

- I hate that my marriage fell apart after I tried for so long to avoid the inevitable, and I hate this limbo period before my divorce is final. 

- I hate that sometimes I feel so beyond sorry for myself, and sometimes that makes me feel like I'm not as strong/positive as I should be.  

- I hate BYU parking. Like I loathe it. 

K now that that's out there, life isn't a total disaster. Despite all of this, I have a ton to be grateful for (#seriouslysoblessed), so here's just a few: 

 ^^ I'm grateful for so many good friends, especially for the amazing Holly who sent me this beautiful print! But honestly my friends are my saving grace, I don't know what I would do without them.

 

^^I'm grateful for the time I spent at our friends cabin this weekend making treats and visiting with some great people.

^^I'm grateful I'll be in Cali again in just a few weeks. 

 

^^ I'm grateful for this bookmark of mine, and that God has given me ways to find peace through all of this.

 

^^ I'm grateful for Gus, my sister Ella's, cute hamster. He makes me happy. And he's still alive, the other one died. So, that's a downer.

 

^^ I'm grateful for yogurt dates with my favs.

I'm grateful my brother Michael (middle) is home and George (right) is doing so well on his mission 

^^These twooo

I'm also grateful for counseling, that every time I go  my counselor tells me she's proud of me. I don't know why, but it helps for someone to recognize that sometimes, it's hard being me. But then again, I wouldn't trade places with anyone. I like who I've become, and I accept that some of the hard things in my life are because of my own inadequacies. And honestly, I love this life that I have been given. The happy moments are better than ever before. 

I know this post sounds extremely self absorbed. But maybe I'm allowed those every once in awhile? And then I promise to care about others more than myself. 

Because everyone has their own issues. Each person experiences their own unique griefs and challenges, ones that make them want to give in and not go any further.. And we all need someone to understand that it's hard being us sometimes.

And that's the beauty of it all, we need each other.

                                                                           

Cali 2014 ♥

This is a video I put together from our beach trip to Cali. It was such a fun trip! I already can't wait for next summer:)

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Normal

 

 

Some Cali pics:) ^^^

  I don't know how to start these posts anymore. I'm not gonna begin with saying "life has been great lately" because that wouldn't be accurate, but it hasn't just been okay either. It's been lots of things, and I can't seem to think of a single word that sums up the emotions.. so I'm not going to try.

I had an epiphany this weekend. This usually happens when I drift from my normal routine and I have more time to think things through.

Saturday, it came after a combination of events. I had run 7 miles that morning, longer than I have in awhile. I fell asleep doing homework. I woke up to my sister calling me asking if I wanted to go see the movie "If I stay" with her. I needed to do homework, but I knew deep down it would be good to get out, so I went.

The movie was better than I expected. But perhaps even better is the understanding I gained from it.

I realized that one of the major reasons for my feelings of unhappiness and discontentment is because my life hasn't fallen under the blanket of what is considered to be "normal".

I've been striving to reach this level of normal, one that is stressed so strongly especially in our LDS culture. We graduate high school, boys go on mission, and girls either work, go on a mission, or go to school. Eventually we meet our forever, get married fairly young, have kids, graduate, buy a house, and grow old together.

At least that is considered to be the norm. But one thing I've come to understand is that normal doesn't actually exist. Sometimes your "forever" ends up hurting you more than anyone, sometimes you have babies and sometimes those babies die. Sometimes you have a hard time getting pregnant all together.  Sometimes parents or siblings or spouses die unexpectedly. Sometimes, people for whatever reason don't serve a full time mission, don't get married right away or even ever, and sometimes they do. In an instance, health can be taken from us, money and objects can disappear, relationships can be strained, and your life can be everything the opposite of what you expected. In other words, sometimes things don't go at all how you planned.

And maybe if we stop expecting our lives to turn out a certain way we can stop feeling so sorry for ourselves when our life doesn't play out "normally".

Maybe it's not meant to. And maybe that's okay. Because Christ doesn't compare our best to our neighbors best. All He cares about is what we each have to offer individually.

Whether or not that falls under the "norm".

I didn't expect to have to learn this at 22. I thought I had at least a few more years of naive bliss where I just thought of marriage as happily ever after and that babies are always born healthy and live full and happy lives.

I see that sometimes, it's not meant to go that way. Sometimes, we have to lose in order to gain. And that maybe there's a plan that's bigger than all of us.

It's kind of a relief when you think about it. Trying to be normal is exhausting. I'd rather just be me.

The rest can take care of itself. And it will. So there's no point in worrying about it anyway:)

 ♥♥♥♥♥♥

Quote + Update

 First off, I'm so grateful for your support after I finally updated my blog about the situation. While I feel like being honest about what's going on is vital to my eventual healing, the connection I've made with so many is just as much if not more beneficial. I have so much to learn from so many of you, whether you've been down the same path or not.

Life has been interesting lately. The happy moments I have are happier than I've had in a long, long time.

However, I went through a month long phase after we finally split up, where I second guessed everything. All it took was a song,  an event, or driving by a certain place, where suddenly I'd feel this heaviness and it was like my chest was open and vulnerable to every negative feeling the world had to shoot at me.

And then the storm of thoughts would come, showing no mercy.

"Did I give it my all? "

"Was there something else I could have done?"

"Maybe I'm not worth it."

"What if that relationship, no matter how unhealthy, was as good as it gets?"

To me, second guessing is just a form of self inflicted pain. And yet, it's a natural response to experiencing a loss as big as this one. Maybe I'd be abnormal if I didn't second guess sometimes, I dunno. 

But I can honestly say that period has pretty much passed. Now that I've made it past the traumatizing parts like moving out, moving back in by myself, attending a home ward by myself, going back to school on my own and being completely alone, it has been reaffirmed to me once again that this direction is the right one. 

And so I've tried to stay productive and take advantage of this time to work on myself. Some things I've been doing: 

+ Sold a ton of our old stuff at my parents yard sale, and online (this was more emotional then I anticipated)

+ Started my last semester at BYU (this was more lonely than I anticipated)

+ Currently starting a divorce support group at BYU (This will hopefully help with the loneliness)

+ Blew way too much money on new clothes (I don't regret this)

+ Currently incorporating some stress management into my daily routine (Meditation, yoga, sleep relaxation, and self hypnosis are a few)

 + Been watching way too many episodes of Grey's Anatomy (not the best show to watch when you are emotionally unstable)

+ Reading The Happiness Hypothesis (I would highly recommend) 

+ Continuing my own personal journal (This has been my saving grace through it all)

+Trying not to feel so incredibly sorry for myself (Doing an act of kindness everyday has helped with this) 

 All in all, I feel good with where I'm at. I feel hopeful that eventually the pain will ease and the future will be bright. Until then, I'll just be taking it one day at a time. 

Also if you ever want to hang out, I've got all sorts of time:) 

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Acceptance

It’s been over 2 months now since Jon I decided to get divorced. I’ve wrote and rewrote this post at least half a dozen times. In a time when endless information is just a google search away, I haven’t been able to find any sort of advice on how to continue a blog after divorce. 

I contemplated deleting this blog completely, and then starting a new one months or even years down the road. But I love this little corner of the internet that I can call my own, I’ve missed the connections i’ve had with other bloggers, as well as the feeling of contentment it’s brought to write about my joys and my struggles. It’s also given my son a presence in the world that he wouldn’t have otherwise, my soul needs that. 

Recently (finally) I started going to counseling in hopes to figure out how to put the pieces of my heart back together and try to salvage any chance of eventually feeling whole again.

My therapist knew I found blogging to be extremely therapeutic especially after the baby died, and she asked me what I planned on doing with my blog.. the conversation went something like this:

"I plan on deleting it, and starting a new one later."

"What makes you feel like you have to delete it?"

"I feel like in a way I've been dishonest. Like I consider myself to be somewhat of an open book when it comes to certain parts of my life, but on here I exaggerated our relationship from the beginning and portrayed life as being significantly better than it really was."

"That's interesting that you say that as if it's a bad thing. I wouldn’t say you were being dishonest, I’d say you were being a human being with hopes and dreams and desires. You used your blog as a coping mechanism, a way to try to deal with a void in your life. Your positive voice about your relationship despite the facts is admirable."

"I get what you're saying, but because I've been somewhat unrealistic, I fear that it will appear like I’m taking this lightly. I worry that because people don’t and can’t know the reality, they won’t understand.” 

"Maddie, I haven't known you for more than a handful of hours, but I already know you are the type of person that would give their marriage everything they could give. I understand that divorce isn't understood or very accepted in this culture, but I think people will be more understanding than you think.” 

That was over a month ago. 

I know that this direction is the right one. I’m pretty open about my feelings, but out of privacy and respect for both Jon and I, I will not share any details on here. I will always feel a certain love and respect for Jon. He was my husband for nearly 2 years, and he is the father of my son. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, including losing my baby. And there is one thing that is certain: unless a person has been in the marriage, they cannot understand. 

And even though I know that this is right, it is yet another major loss. The loss of potential, the loss of future hopes and dreams. The loss of relationships with people I love and care about. The loss of the chance to have a family anytime soon or the opportunity to be a mom again in the near future. The loss of identity, really. 

 I now have to pick up the pieces and start from scratch, and it’s traumatizing and liberating all at once. 

And as I've begun this new life transition, as I've started down the pathway to healing, I've learned that just like after my son died: I need to take things one day at a time. Writing this post was a major step in the healing process, and it took more courage than I was expecting. 

At this time, please pray for me. Please pray for Jon. And if you know anyone who can relate, I would love to connect with them. 

Thank you for all of those who have always been so loving and supportive. 

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Day of Hope

As you have probably noticed, I haven't blogged in awhile. My life has taken turns I never thought it would, and while I have wanted so much to blog about my feelings, I have felt it inappropriate to do so. Soon I will update. But because today is August 19th, the Day of Hope, I felt the need to publicly remember Jon Gabriel today. Not a day goes by where I don't think of him, but August 19th has been dedicated to breaking the silence behind the death of babies and children. I think the whole movement is beautiful and inspiring. One I never thought I'd be apart of, but because of my circumstance and the many mothers I've met who have their own angel babies, I can't help but feel the need to honor this day. 

I believe it's natural for people to shy away from talking about grief. Grief is scary and awkward. It can't be taken away with words, and people assume its best to avoid the subject all together. Especially when it pertains to a loss as great as the loss of a child. I don't blame them for their assumptions, all I can do is assure you, acknowledging a baby who has passed is the greatest gift you can give a mother. I striggle every day to acknowledge my son existed and that he still holds a tremendous part of my heart. And as long as I live, I will make sure he will always be remembered. As long as I live, he will always be loved. 

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Kim and Jeremy's Wedding

 We had a blast at my Aunt Kim's wedding a couple of weekends ago! My whole extended family came into town, and it was so fun to have everyone together to celebrate. I love summer weddings, and this one was nothing short of perfect. I am the oldest of 24 grand kids on that side of the family, and it's my absolute favorite. All my younger cousins were the bridesmaids and groomsmen, aren't they adorable? I have the best family! We partied all week, so I'll have to post more pictures. And this weekend I'm off to Cali with my family! Life is good:) More pics to come! 

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Hogle Zoo: A million pictures

The baby elephant// 

Henry and his date // 

Jon's favorite animal - rhinos// 

Can you tell he was sick of pictures? He's a good faker:) // 

Water world// 

Perfect little log for a photo op// 

♥

Photobomb// 

Jon's seal impersonation// 

The cutest monkeys fighting over a branch //

So maybe not a million pictures, but almost. We had so much fun at the zoo with our good friends! When we were there, they had a gorilla, named Tino, in a smaller habitat. Gorillas are my favorite, so it was cool to be just a couple of feet away from him. The pictures don't do his size justice, he was massive! The zoo keeper told us not to make eye contact with him, as it's a sign of aggression. Some guy walked in right after she said that, and so not knowing, stared into the gorilla eyes. Just moments after I snapped that picture of the gorilla eating, he saw the guy staring directly at him so he jumped up, flung that plastic blue pool you see in the picture, and started banging on the glass. He then took off running in circles and pounding his chest. The zookeeper told everyone to leave, as he felt threatened. It was super cool to see, and it made me a little sad. This amazing creature felt so isolated, and even when he felt threatened there was nothing he could do about it. I went home and read more about the gorillas at the hogle zoo (nerd), here's the info I found. 

Also, while we were there, I asked Jon if he could be any animal what he would be. Without skipping a beat he said "A rhino". "Why's that?", I asked. "Nobody bothers Rhinos." haha I died. It's true though, right? That is 100% him.

Anyway, at one point we stood outside and watched the bird show they have! I remember seeing a video this summer of a girl whose fiancé proposed at the bird show! There was a part where they have someone hold out a 5 dollar bill, and the hawk flies over and takes it from their hand. In this one, the fiancé had the zoo keeper give the hawk a piece of paper that said "Will you marry me?" And then he got down on one knee as soon as she read it and proposed. It was super cute! Actually, the link to the video is here if you want to watch it.  

At this bird show, they picked a couple from the audience to come down and take a picture as all the doves flew out at once. They also told them they would get to use all the doves at their upcoming wedding! Well, the lady went down to get ready for the picture (which would have been the coolest), but right as the doves flew out it scared her so much she fell backwards right into a pool they have for the eagle to land in! It was so sad/awkward/kind of funny haha. I wish I got it on video!!

 Anyway, if you are looking for something to do, the zoo was so much fun! And check out the bird show while you're there! You never know what you might see;)

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Choosing Joy

 I have tons that I'm excited to update about. But this little boy has been on my mind so much recently, that maybe for the sake of my own sanity, I need to post about it. My feelings can be summed up in this quote I found from a friends blog, who is also the mother of an angel baby: 

“Death does not unmake a mother. If anything, we need to be more resourceful in our mothering. There are no parenting books, no theories on how to parent a dead child. But we still parent. We just make it all up, each day, as we go along, hurting and healing. Parenting is just tailoring maternal love to fit each child. We do that with our dead babies too. We wonder which flower would honor their lives, we relish speaking their names. We collect drawings of butterflies, quotes that touch our hearts, we write their names on the sand and in the snow.

We remember. We remember all the time. We remember the love. Also, the pain. That odd quality we have about us… it’s because we have something special. We have extra love in our hearts. Love that can’t translate into choosing the safest rear-facing car seat, so it becomes love that wonders and meanders, most times with nowhere to go. So this love with no port, it flutters about. Sometimes it bursts out through tears, stinging sobs. Other times it makes for a sideways smile when we remember our child. And it always makes us seem just a teeny bit off. Because we are. A little person is missing from our arms. But all the love for them is here, inside us, bubbling away in everything we do.”

Everyday, I remember. But today, I choose to remember the love. Even though the pain is just a thought away, I choose hope and joy.  It's a good feeling. 

♥♥♥♥♥♥

A day at the lake

I have a question.. Does a fishing trip still qualify as a fishing trip if you didn't actually catch any fish???? I haven't decided yet, that's why I decided to title this post "A day at the lake" instead of "A fishing trip". Our Memorial weekend started off perfectly with BBQ's, playing games, swimming, sleeping in, and enjoying time with family and friends. Jon and I decided we wanted to go fishing+hiking on Memorial Day, and Jon said Payson Lakes was the perfect place (pictured above). He told me it was one of the prettiest places, and it was plan B for where he was going to propose to me. How can you say no after hearing that? 

So Monday morning at 5 AM, Jon, our friend Dave, and I, headed up to go fishing at Payson Lakes. It was beautiful watching the sun rise, and being the only ones there so early. I loved being away from home for a few hours, with nothing but birds and chipmunks to keep us company. The scenery was amazing! The fishing.. not so much. I thought I was a patient person until I found out I had to cast my line out and then just "sit and wait". It was great at first, then I had a lot more fun taking pics, talking with the guys, and throwing pieces of my granola bar into the water to try to lure the fish in.. Jon eventally caught the cutest little baby fish, so we were positive there were actually fish in the lake. After a few hours, we found a dead fish on the shore with a hook and line stuck in it, that looked like it had just died that day. Jon picked it up with the line hanging out of it's mouth and said, "Hey Madds, hold up this fish and pose with it while I take a pic, then you can pretend you caught one!" 

It was brilliant. So of course I had to, and I debated posting the pic on instagram with the caption "caught this beauty today" but I decided the real story was  funnier anyway haha. After the fishing trip we hit up Chick-Fil-A for some cookies and cream shakes (amazing), went swimming, and then passed out on our beds from being so tired. 

The good news is we found a pretty place to come visit every once in awhile, we got really tan, no one around us caught any fish either, and we still had such a fun day! The bad news is, the little boat we were gonna rent fell through, and between the three of us we caught two fish, one of which was dead. Then again, at least one of us caught something! So maybe that's good news after all:) 

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Bridal Shower

Apparently May is the month to celebrate marriage! I've been to 3 bridal showers this month, and I'm loving it. My Aunt Kim is getting married next month and my mom, aunts and I had a ton of fun throwing her a bridal shower!

She is the one between my sister and I in the photo above, isn't she beautiful? I'm so excited to party at her wedding in June! Summer weddings are the best. Do you agree? :)   

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Facebook Firsts

A couple of my favorite bloggers are hosting monthly link-ups, not only through blogging but through all social media channels (details here). Basically you can link up through your blog, but if you don't have a blog, you can link-up through instagram, twitter, facebook etc. using the hashtag above! Cool right? The topic this month is "Firsts", so despite going against my better judgement, I'm going to share my first ever Facebook status's. 

The other day, a friend commented on an old photo I was tagged in forever ago. Clicking on the picture heightened my curiosity, and naturally I went back to all of my old pictures. I had to cringe my way through some of them (gotta love sophomore year), but then it made me even more curious about what my status updates were like back then. So I clicked my way to the bottom, and boy do I wish I hadn't. Unfortunately, they were no better than the pictures.. Take a look! 

*Thanks for sharing.* 

*Why did no one "like" this? Isn't it interesting?*

*This was probably because I got my phone taken away, or we were out of poptarts, or something else really devastating happened.*

*I blame Beto's for all those classes I skipped.*

*Yep, I went there. That passive aggressive status update that was made toward someone who obviously wasn't being a real friend. I sure showed them.*

*Nobody cares.*

*Still, nobody cares.*

*Get it? Cuz I was 17 when I wrote this? And I was quoting a song. So clever.*

*Nothing says, "I'm cool" like taking the time to calculate how many days you've lived, and then posting it as your status.*

*Thanks Mom, for commenting on this status four times.*

*Hey boys.* 

And there you go! My first facebook status's.. I know yours can't be as bad as mine;) What are some of your firsts?

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Let's get real

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After Jon and I finished our winter semester, it didn't really feel like summer had officially begun. Jon still had to study to take the MCAT in the middle of May, and it felt a lot like any other semester (except I'm not in classes and working full-time). If you don't remember, Jon took the test last summer but the power went out. (I swear, this kind of thing only happens to us..)  The only spot available afterward was in Wyoming, so a few days ago he headed off to good ol' Casper, Wyoming.

When he got there, he didn't have service the whole entire trip. His laptop is ancient, so face timing wasn't really an option. Facebook messaging became our primary source of communication, and even that didn't last very long.

The day of his test, I came home from work to an empty apartment, knowing I wouldn't be able to talk to my husband. I looked at the dishes in the sink, the bills on the table, the empty fridge and cupboards that needed groceries, and I thought,

"I have to get out of here." 

The only problem was Jon had the car and our jeep is broken. So I deep cleaned the apartment, went and visited some neighbors, all the while knowing deep down, we were so close to having everything change. 

When Jon got home, we celebrated with an ice cream date, and we decided to make a bucket list:) This summer we are going to try and do everything on it! We figure when we are 90 years old, laying on our death bed, Jon and I aren't going to say to each other, "Remember the summer after our son died, how we worked everyday and watched Netflix at night? Those were really, really good times." 

No, those aren't the moments we will remember. 

The first thing on the list? Road trip! 

More details to come:) 

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Celebration

I remember walking out of the ultrasound over a year ago, where we'd found out our son would most likely not live. I wanted so desperately to fast forward a year, and know where we'd be. "Would his death make everyday unbearable?" "Would I find happiness again?" "Would we be drowned in hospital debt?" "Would my body heal completely?" 

And now, a year later, those questions have finally been answered. I am happy. There are dark days, there are a lot of difficult moments. But I've taken it one day at a time, and I feel like I've found myself again. We don't have anymore hospital bills, and my body is more than healed. Physically at least. 

And it's by far been the hardest year I've ever had, but it's over. We've made it. And that called for a celebration! We got together with family and friends and met at his headstone, took pictures, sang songs, wrote him notes and tied them to balloons and sent them off into the sky.

I struggled knowing I couldn't do very much for him, since he's not here right now. But I could do a little, and it felt good to spend the whole day in his honor. 

My Aunt Amanda made me that adorable wreath that I can hang up the week of May 3rd every year, my Mom and Mother-in-law brought flowers and balloons, and we all brought food and went and played and ate at the park after.  

 My favorite part of the day was watching how cute and funny all the littles were. They were so excited to write notes/draw pics and let them go into the sky. It was a beautiful day, and it felt so good to know he is remembered by many. 

♥♥♥♥♥♥

May 3rd - 1 year

Up until yesterday, I dreaded the 1 year mark of my baby's birth. I'm going to be honest, I haven't even been back to his grave since he passed away. I just didn't want to miss him anymore then I already did every single day. And I felt like somehow, it would be like pouring salt in the wound. 

But as May 3rd came and went, I came to understand a little more about what it means to heal. Saturday morning I was staying at my in-laws preparing for plans we had made with both families for the 1 year mark that night (more on that to come). Because they live so close to Primary Children's, I decided to go there, and my sister-in-law, Lise, joined me. I knew no matter how terrified I was, I had to confront my fear. Jon was studying for the MCAT he takes in a few days, and he told me later that he couldn't have done it, even if he wanted to. That surprised me; there are few things my husband admits to not being able to do. 

As we drove up the familiar hill past the U of U flags and the "Primary Chilrden's" sign, I suddenly felt a peaceful feeling come over me. We parked, and walked through the entrance and passed the front desk, and it felt like a déjà vu. My heart pounded as we made our way up the elevator to the NICU. We stopped at the locked doors that require you to call in and tell them the family you are with before they will let you in. I suddenly missed what it was like a year ago, when I had full access to anything I wanted because I was the mother of a baby there. But now he was gone, and I was a stranger to them. 

 I thought there was no way they'd let me in, but for my own sake, I had to try. I picked up the phone: "Reception, can I ask who you are here for?" came from the other end. Suddenly the thought crossed my mind: "You should have never come here." But I mustered up the courage and told them I wasn't there for anyone, but I had a son that was born exactly a year ago that stayed here and eventually died here and I just wanted to go inside for just a minute. She sounded confused and eventually said "Okay, but we can't let you go in any of the rooms." I told her that was okay, and the doors swung open. It felt surreal as I made my way up to the front desk, passing the room he died in on my way there. I was greeted by a nurse, asking how she could help me. The receptionist told her, "She lost a baby here last year." The nurse responded kindly, "Oh! Who was your baby?" Suddenly, the tears started coming before I could stop them. "My baby?" I thought. It threw me off guard how hard I had to try not to start bawling. I rarely cry just because someone brings him up, but the familiar feeling in that room, the fact that his incubator was right around the corner, and the room he died in was just a few steps to my left.. I couldn't speak without crying. 

It felt like no time had passed, like it was just yesterday I was here with Jon for hours at a time, worried about whether Jon Gabriel's condition would continue to get worse. I wanted so badly to be able to walk around the corner, see him in his incubator, tell the nurse I was his mom, and be able to hold him again. But that wasn't possible, and I knew the nurse that had greeted me was still waiting for a response, so I managed to whisper, "I'm sorry".  That was all I could say. "Don't you apologize," she said softly, "Take all the time you need." She gave me a hug and 2 other nurses came up and asked what the situation was. They both asked if they could give me a hug and told me how sorry they were, and it occurred to me that they saw this kind of thing all the time, but they treated me like I was the first. It reminded me how good the team at Primary Children's was to us when we found out about the defects and made plans for surgery, and how hard they fought to keep my son alive for those  5 days he was here. 

After a few minutes, we left. I went and sat in the lobby for a minute, and just let myself cry over how hard it was to go in there knowing he wasn't there anymore, and allow all the emotions to hit me all over again. But within a few minutes, something beautiful took place inside of me. I felt liberated, and a relief swept over me as I realized I had overcome a major obstacle. I left Primary Children's feeling whole, like I had done my part in allowing myself to be comforted. 

And it occurred to me that sometimes, the healing is in the aching.  

My graduate

We had so much fun celebrating Jon's graduation last week! Isn't he the cutest?? ^^ 

He graduated from BYU with a major in Microbiology and a minor in Chemistry. He did this all while working maintenance, doing research for 4 years, shadowing, volunteering, and being a husband:)

He is the hardest worker I've ever met. He's also the only person I know that can make organic chemistry/physics/microbiology sound remotely interesting..Now it's onto bigger and brighter things!

AKA Med school applications! Let's just say, the real partying will be done after June 1st:) 

Congrats Babe! You are one of the most well rounded human beings I know. I don't know anyone as smart as you are in your area of expertise, that is also as likeable, athletic, hard working, handy, funny, handsome and as  good to me as you.  

Maybe I'm just biased:) 

xoxo

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Update +

I am loving all of this free time I have lately. It's great to just be working full time, and there's so much I want to update! So don't be surprised if you see three posts in one day! First, I went up and walked around the temple this weekend and snapped a few photos while I was there. I've had a hard time as the year mark approaches for Jon Gabriel's birth (May 3rd) and death (May 7th), and I always feel a calmness come from the beauty of the temple grounds. 

Second, we celebrated Jon's birthday on Wednesday! I tried to make it a really great day for him because last year his birthday was nothing short of the worst day of our lives. We found out about our son's defects on his birthday, and it was spent mostly crying and sleeping and wondering if it was all really happening. So I was determined to make Jon's birthday this year the best EVER! It consisted of him acing his anatomy final (literally 96%, he is amazing), lots of treats, gifts, and a BBQ with some good friends. I think it turned out perfect:) 

Also the one picture I got of the whole day is blurry, so I'll spare ya that. 

And lastly, this new blog design!! Are you in love? I am! Kaylie is incredible. Her prices are SO affordable, and she does amazing work. Seriously, I can't say enough. Anyway, check her out if you are looking for a new design. 

K I'm done now:) More to come!